When you spend time around business owners you’ll hear the phrase, “working in the business, but not working on the business.” It means doing the tasks to keep the business running and customers happy, but not making time to step back and look at the processes that could make the business better or preparing for upcoming opportunities. I’ve noticed the same thing happens in life. You build your routines (intentionally or not, good or bad), you blink, and then half a year has passed. You’re working in life, not on your life.

A similar thing can happen with families. Once you leave the nest a routine sets in: if you’re a halfway decent child, then you call once every other week, visit on the holidays, ask how everyone is doing, and repeat until entropy starts claiming her victims. Not a happy thought but I’ve intuited two lessons from these reflections. First, we don’t have as much time as we think. There is an excellent Wait But Why post that puts our time on Earth into perspective. The following is about relationships:

“I’ve been thinking about my parents, who are in their mid-60s. During my first 18 years, I spent some time with my parents during at least 90% of my days. But since heading off to college and then later moving out of Boston, I’ve probably seen them an average of only five times a year each, for an average of maybe two days each time. 10 days a year. About 3% of the days I spent with them each year of my childhood….
It turns out that when I graduated from high school, I had already used up 93% of my in-person parent time. I’m now enjoying the last 5% of that time. We’re in the tail end.”

The second is that quality of time matters. I visit my family in Brazil once every three years for two weeks. The trips to the beach are wonderful but my most memorable moments have been interviewing my grandparents and attending Carnival. A total of twelve hours spread out over eight trips in twenty-eight years are what standout.

These ideas were on my mind last year when HFG Trust’s managing director, Will Wang, mentioned the book he’s writing on family board meetings. Will talked about the family board meeting being an agenda driven event to discuss family values, estate plans, financial literacy, portfolios, etc. and how successful families like the Rockefellers schedule them annually. If it’s not obvious, all those things sound like excellent topics to me, but I was skeptical. It sounded too organized and for important people. It made me wonder if we were wealthy enough for a family board meeting, whether our situation was complicated enough, and if everyone would think I’m taking things too seriously?

I eventually got over my concerns and last weekend the Haberling family got together for a family board meeting and…. It was one of the most memorable family gatherings we have had in years.

What surprised me the most was that the agenda and structure, which I feared would make the event awkward, actually generated the most excitement and conversation. It was as if merely listing a topic as something we needed to discuss made it more real and gave everyone permission to ask questions.

I wish I could write more and give specifics about how impactful a family boarding meeting can be, but then we’d be diving into family specifics, so you’ll just have to trust my endorsement. However, I’ve attached a sample agenda and will include some key points.

Family Board Meetings are not just for Rockefellers: You don’t need significant income or wealth to realize the benefit of getting everyone on the same page. Personally, my favorite part of the meeting was hearing everyone’s life update and the goals they have. Plus having the family together is a great time to communicate values and family history.
If it is not scheduled, it will never be discussed: There is no convenient time to segue a conversation towards estate planning, financial literacy, and charitable giving. I’m gung ho about this stuff but it won’t be tolerated if I’m watching Home Alone on Christmas Eve or during other traditional family gathering times. A family board meeting gives you the opportunity to discuss topics you’ve punted on or have just never found a good time to bring up.
Time commitment: Going into this I thought the meeting would be a full day, but it was closer to five hours conducted over Friday dinner and Saturday morning breakfast. Five hours of talking sounds like a lot, but time flew by with how engaged everyone was, and it was an impactful five hours.
Location: I think the secret ingredient to the family board meeting was scheduling it in a different town. It made the meeting a family trip where we were able to explore the town and nearby sites. I’m also a firm believer that people subtly change when moved to a new environment. They’re more open which is what you want during the meeting.

I encourage you to look at the agenda and hopefully it inspires you to setup your own family board meeting. I think everyone in our family left with great memories and energy to tackle their goals. And who knows, maybe this will generate enough positive peer pressure for Will to finally finish his book.